Thursday 18 April 2013

Top 5 Over Extended Film Franchises





"You're still here? Hey, I was going to say that!"


After of the release of the 5th(!!!) Die Hard movie, where a near 60 year old Bruce Willis attempts to convince cinema goers that he is still capable of jumping out of windows and destroying crime syndicates despite the crows feet by his eyes, I have put together a list of the 5 most over-extended, overdone and we-wish-it-was-already-over film franchises. Ready? Here we go..

5) Die Hard

Saved by the fact the first two films were actually great, Die Hard began as Bruce Willis’s greatest success as an actor as he a played straight talking, cigarette smoking gunslinger that chased down terrorists and other easy-to-dislike bad guys. Then Die Hard 3 came out, then 4, and now we have 5. Bruce never dies. But we sort of wish he did.

4) Resident Evil

Virus spreads, Zombies run, it’s always behind you and Milla Jovovic always survives. Resident Evil started brilliantly – the first film grossed over $102m in the box office but the next four films soon became stagnant and boring. The story remained the same while the setting around it changed from abandoned lab to abandoned city to lab, to city. Even the sight of Jovovic’s nipples piercing through a poorly worn tank top became dull. Eventually.

3) Saw

The tediousness of the so called “torture porn” series where the justice obsessed “Jigsaw” abducts, ties up and gruesomely kills some morally bereft Americans is matched only by the gut wrenching nature of the poorly lit and over-CGI’d deaths that occupy 60% of the film. The fact that they killed off the killers character in the third instalment of the series has not stopped the producers creating a further three films, with a seventh in 3D, taking the disappointment to an entirely new medium. ‘I want to play a game..’ Again?!



2) Rocky

Montage, punching, montage, awful dialogue, montage, snapshot, Sly Stallone’s incessant mumblings and face like porridge. At first it was ok, when Mr T got involved it became like a circus act. Still speaking about the prospect of a Rocky VII like he’s not 66 and a visage that is slowly overtaking his mother’s for shock value, Rocky is the boxing film that we wished would’ve stayed down at the count.


1) Police Academy

Starting in 1984, featuring 7 films to date and the prospect of an 8th, frighteningly embarrassing last grab at the cheap humour and age old slapstick jokes that made the prospect of the original sequel in 1985 seem like a pointless task, Police Academy is the ultimate in over-extended film franchises. Frankly, it’s amazing how it took them a year to put out the same film 7 times. Just do one each day and put us all out of our misery.

Wednesday 3 April 2013

Life After Suarez? Philippe Coutinho Could Be the Answer for Liverpool and the “Project”


Small, fresh faced and agile, Philippe Coutinho received the ball near the touchline. The Brazilian shuffled in between two defenders, cut onto his right boot before releasing a 20 yard through ball that split the unaware Aston Villa defence for the onrushing Jordan Henderson to gratefully finish.
It was a moment of true quality, nearly followed by another as his South American counterpart Luis Suarez unleashed a similarly delightful pass for his new teammate minutes later, who was inches away from putting his own name on the score-sheet. It would’ve been his third goal in just six appearances since joining the Merseyside giants in January. 

After being left out of Inter’s plans since re-joining the Nerazzurri in summer, Coutinho has settled in wonderfully at Liverpool and could be the answer to the questions that would surface should the other South American star at Anfield choose to leave.

Although the comparisons between Brendan Rodger’s 22 -goal talisman and his Brazilian understudy are fairly moot at this point given the contract that brought Coutinho to England probably still has wet ink, there are definite similarities in the optimism both players have brought to a club that has been bereft of a long term plan for some years. Like Suarez has performed in a manner that has befitted the mythical “7” that emblazons the Uruguayan’s back, Coutinho is the first fresh faced, exciting player to don the number 10 shirt since a certain Michael Owen tortured defences at the turn of the century. The fact that the former Real Madrid poacher is due to retire in summer provides context to that statement. It’s been a long time.




Signed by Inter at the request of none other than Rafa Benitez, Coutinho was hailed as “the future” of the Italian giants by President Massimo Moratti at the attacker’s presentation, words that ring loud and uncomfortably in the ears of disillusioned Nerazzurri fans. Philippe was meant to be the generation after Mourinho’s treble winners yet like most decisions Rafael Benitez has made in his career ; they all seem to benefit Liverpool eventually.

A pawn in the chaos that followed The Special One’s exit from Italy, Coutinho was shipped out to Espanyol, where the benefit of consistent starts and the more forgiving climate of Spain allowed the Brazilian to develop, but upon his return to the peninsula, the 20 year old found himself once again far down the pecking order.

The move to Liverpool and being part of a team that values him as a key member has allowed the youngster to blossom, and with time take up the mantle of talisman – should its current owner choose to ply his trade elsewhere.

The rumours of Luis Suarez’s exit, while just that at the moment, are worth considering nonetheless.

At the age of 26, Suarez is in the form of his life and has between 4-5 years left at the very peak of his game, which just so happens to be the average length of a contract that accompanies a transfer.

Although the Uruguayan has committed himself to the “project” that Brendan Rodgers has got underway at Melwood and enjoys life in the North of England, professional ambition will always plays a large, if not definitive, part. Like all professional athletes, Suarez wants to win. League titles, cups, personal awards and most that holy grail of club football; the Champions League. If Luis thinks that there is more chance of that at Bayern Munich, Juventus or Real Madrid then unless emotion clouds the forward’s logic, he may well end up there this summer, or the next one. It’s not a given, but ambition supersedes loyalty 9 times out 10. Just ask Robin Van Persie.



Players at 26 don’t want to be part of a “project” unless it involves Jose’ Mourinho, Alex Ferguson or £250,000 a week. Unless success is almost guaranteed and guaranteed quickly by that ‘project’(Mourinho, Ferguson) or the right financial lubricant is in place – players will make judgements on moves based on how immediate victories can be. They want to be the final piece to a pre-established puzzle, not building blocks to a foundation that may or may not even get off the ground. Suarez is in a project, and sooner or later he’s going to want success. History remembers winning players; only fans remember loyal ones.

However, 20 year olds are interested in projects. They make sense in projects. Hell, their careers at this point can be viewed as projects – predictions of growth made from a combination of Youtube videos and FIFA games. Coutinho is aware that his best years are a couple of years away yet, and it therefore makes perfect sense to join a team that will peak at the same time he does.(However, in today’s game – that could mean Rodgers only has three years before his protégé begins knocking on his door asking for silverware or a raise.)

Either way – with Suarez or without him – Coutinho arguably has more value to the youth centred approach at Liverpool than his teammate, despite his older counterpart being almost the sole match winner at the Kop. Coutinho has ten years before Liverpool have to think about a replacement (assuming he stays that long, of course) while Suarez has four or five, all of which would be centred around a will he leave/won’t he leave scenario if Liverpool don’t deliver glory, a situation that has hung like a cloud over the respective clubs of Robin Van Persie, Luka Modric and Cristiano Ronaldo in recent years(it’s also worth pointing out that in those three examples, they all left).

Coutinho is part of the project, part of a long term plan. Along with Raheem Sterling, Daniel Sturridge, Joe Allen and others – Liverpool are not a side built to win today. They are a side being  built to win tomorrow. If Luis Suarez isn’t prepared to wait, then Liverpool are not the club for him to be at.

A player of undeniable class and this writer’s pick for player of the season, Suarez’s exit would be a huge hole to fill for Liverpool, and a loss for English football as a whole. However, with Coutinho and the £25m+ Liverpool would inevitably receive to relinquish his services, the hole is smaller than it would be, and the success of the “project” - should he leave - would remain just as likely.